Only Bob Iger Can Save Us Now (Or How to Win Representation)
Representation. You’ve heard about it from #OscarsSoWhite to the posthumous cancellation of people who did blackface or something. One thing’s for sure however, representation matters. Accurate and compassionate representation gives you the combined political power of voting, donating to the ACLU and posting a black square on instagram.
There are a lot of pressing issues in these Unprecedented Times that need our constant attention. I know a lot of people for a long time have said that our material realities are reflected by the media but it‘s actually the other way around. When you see someone that looks like you on TV in a tampon commercial, you actually start to get profits from the company. The only way to fix this crazy world is to use the largest media conglomerate, Disney, to create princesses that would make everyone, in some way, feel seen.
First and foremost we need a Disney princess with a huge forehead. Just massive. Prime real estate, square footage bonanza, helipad massive. Nothing further to say there. It’s just important.
We could also use a princess who moves to Los Angeles and within a year realizes that her calling is stand up comedy. She’s wrong obviously. Nevertheless she starts doing open mics which turn into shows at small venues. She gets advice from a 45 year old white guy who works at a comedy club in Burbank. At one venue, she does a set about eating pussy live on instagram, which is ironic because she is a virgin who only ever gave one really bad hand job. Anyway the venue people think the bit is so funny they record it, post it on Facebook and tag her. She doesn’t notice because she’s 19 years old of course she doesn’t use Facebook. Do you know who does use Facebook? Her entire extended family, who are already judging her for moving to ‘fake ass Hollywood’ as they called it. We need a Disney princess who gets outed to her conservative family by her uncle on Facebook!
We need a Disney princess who goes on vacation to France with her whole family. While there, they go to the zoo which has a cute little ferris wheel overlooking the elephants and their giant turds. During the three hour visit at the zoo she has to use the bathroom but never finds the right time to impose her pressing bladder on everyone. So when she gets on the admittedly miniature ferris wheel, her fear of heights combined with a bladder full of fancy French soda, she opens the floodgates mid air. We need a Disney princess who pees her pants because she’s too shy to ask for the bathroom.
Most of the time you can’t really pick what kind of dog you get, and every Disney princess has a trusted animal sidekick, it’s a quintessential rule of the Disney Princess Cinematic Universe. We need a Disney princess who falls in love with a dog that sheds, an Australian shepherd mix or something of the sort. I’m not familiar with many dog breeds as I am African. Anyway the princess refuses not to let that dog sleep all over her sheets which have a lot of threads because that’s apparently how you determine if sheets are really nice. So naturally, the dog sheds everywhere. The princess often sleeps in the nude. And every time she wakes up she finds dog hair in new and exciting places. I know a lot of people who would feel represented by a Disney princess who finds a handful of dog hair in her bush.
Another way to portray the iconic animal sidekick dynamic and being medicated because your brain brain is broke broke is to have a princess with a stunted sex life due to the fact that both her and her girlfriend are on SSRIs. That and the addition of a new puppy to their family become major cockblockers. One day she’s alone with her dog and feels a sign of life from her libido, the first in weeks. She must jump at the chance but her dog is asleep on the bed very comfortably. In the spirit of self care she kicks her oblivious dog off the bed with treats. But then as she settles in for The Big O, she’s distracted by the cute puppy at the door desperate to get back in bed. So for the sake of mental and sexual health awareness, we need a Disney princess who kicks her dog off the bed to masturbate but then feels too guilty to cum!
The pathway to a more accurate representation of “middle class” people of color who make $100k a year and still say that they’re not rich is clear. These are the steps we need to take to move past trauma porn, which refers to anything sad that we don’t like. Only Bob Iger can save us now.
All of this could also apply to superheroes so send this to Kevin Feige too!