Gossiping about chaotic bisexuals is good
When you think of the blueprint chaotic bisexual, perhaps Megan Fox in Jennifer’s Body and less murderously in New Girl comes to mind. Or maybe pre Brad Pitt Angelina Jolie in just her regular life. Or maybe you think about the girl you met on Tinder that pretended not to know you in a weird attempt to date your roommate. And then a year later when you introduced her to your current girlfriend she asked her “What’s your heartsong?” But nothing has exuded more chaotic bisexual energy than the shocking union of Olivia Wilde and Harry Styles.
To begin; is there anything more chaotic than a director/star romance? We all saw what happened with Niki Stevens and Jenny Schecter. I have to admit that I was personally hoping Harry Styles would use Don’t Worry Darling, to free Florence Pugh from the evil clutches of Z*ch Br*ff. But the chaos of two bisexuals who have to work closely together for months starting a MILF-esque romance is quite delicious to me.
Harry Styles’ chaotic repertoire is one I’m familiar with, one that goes beyond the mere bounds of his words and actions. I’m talking about Larry fan art, the explicit stuff. I will neither confirm nor deny the existence of a group chat of women and girls aged 16–26 that met on tumblr, where such fan art might have been circulated. But the infamous relationship with former bandmate Louis Tomlinson isn’t even the tip of the iceberg, there was that one guy named Ben whose attic he slept in for like two years, dating not one, but two rumored gay women, wearing that dress in Vogue that made people angry and not for obvious reasons like the fact that it was ugly, him excessively calling his album fruity etc. Now I’m not one to speculate extensively on celebrities’ sexualities (lie, total and complete lie) but a cis white man openly engaging with queer aesthetics feels like fair game.
The other half of the union, which I am admittedly more invested in is an even more chaotic one. Olivia Wilde has been television’s go to chaotic bisexual since 2003, famously in The O.C. and House.
When I saw her playing a 17 year old emancipated bartender with a clingy ex girlfriend on the great American treasure that is The O.C., I knew I was in for a treat. Come to find out, when Wilde was sweeping Marissa Cooper off her feet, at the time 19 years old, she was married to a 30 year old Italian aristocrat and filmmaker. They were together just short of a decade before she started dating Jason Sudeikis (even though Reed Morano was right there) and then announced last November that they broke off their SEVEN YEAR ENGAGEMENT at the beginning of last year. Now at 36, with two kids, Wilde is growing into the beautiful MILF she was always going to be, right in front of our salads. And with a British pop star nonetheless. My feelings about how I think Wilde and Morano are canon aside, I simply have to respect it.
Reed Morano. None of this is really about her but there’s something about a camera girl…
Now, about the photos themselves. Although Styles was dressed like he was the host at an upscale Elton John themed restaurant and Wilde was dressed like she was on her way to a Florence and the Machines set at Coachella, they were actually pictured together at a wedding. They were holding hands, fingers laced together like when Wilde held Marissa Cooper’s hand for the first time.
The most chaotic thing about this whole thing — despite Wilde breaking off an almost decade long engagement for some 26 year old d*ck, was the reaction of Stan twitter to the assumption that they’re dating because of those pictures. These are a couple I saw. I read them and I laughed and laughed and laughed.
Being invested in the lives of people we’ve been taught by the media to know as intimately as you can know someone without ever meeting them, is a trap impossible not to fall into. Perhaps because the misery of capitalism makes a cage of desire. Desire to see yourself, to feel validated. Desire to be perceived as having good taste. But your favorite pop star dating a woman of color is not an endorsement of your taste. Even more boring then those lukewarm woke takes were people defending his right to have female friends. What are celebrities for if not gossip? I for one am going to speculate until I eventually, and very likely, lose interest. I’m unemployed because of a pandemic, and I’m watching people whose lives are virtually untouched by this attend weddings in head to toe Gucci that could pay off the debt on my car. What else am I supposed to do? Anyway. Year of the chaotic bisexuals.
